Today was field trip day to a museum. The teacher requested that our bus driver and our bus monitor be the ones to drive the bus. Since my son adores these two people, the hope was that it would be easier for our monkey.

And I just love this. That the teacher went the extra mile to assist my son and make accomodations just for him.

The fact that they want him to succeed and they make arrangements is simply beautiful.

But my husband and I have talked about this school trip, over and over, and we were just not sure we should let him go.

Pros – He’s been doing really good at school lately. He has an amazing support team. If there’s a year for him to go it would be this year. With his wonderful teacher and wonderful paras, plus the driver and monitor, that’d be the perfect team.

Cons- I honestly think he’d hate it. It’s out of his routine and this would be too much for him. I just don’t see him enjoying a museum. Changes in schedule and driving 45 minutes to a route he’s not used to would be too much.

But isn’t that what we want? For our kids to participate on every day things? Like a school field trips? To be included?

These are difficult decisions for things that are suppose to be easy. We should be excited that he’s going on a field trip. We used to get very excited when my daughter was younger and she’d get to go.

But he’s not my daughter. He has sensory processing disorder and autism and severe anxiety. He’s not my daughter. He’s not a typical kid. And typical decisions are not so easy.  Plus he is getting so big and strong that it’s difficult to control him when he’s having a meltdown. What if he had this meltdown with other kids around? What if he hurt them?  What if he hurt any of the adults?

My husband took the day off and decided it’d be best if he stays home. I called the transportation department letting them know my son wouldn’t be going to school and not to pick him up. And as I’m getting ready for work, I see my son staring outside his bedroom window. I walk over and see his bus leaving. I guess they were waiting outside and I didn’t notice they were here.

But the monkey noticed. And he didn’t understand why he wasn’t on the bus.  And he struggled. A lot.

But in all honesty we both think that it is for the best, for him to stay home.

I get a message from the teacher saying that they would love for him to go. That they arranged for extra adults to assist them and they’d love for my son to join them and we still have time to change our minds.

I told her we decided to keep him home. She said she understood but would hope we could change our mind.

And I can’t help but wonder why is it that this decision doesn’t make me feel better? Making my son stay home doesn’t feel right. But forcing my son to enjoy a day at the museum would be torture for him. And we are constantly in this balance of forcing him to do typical things or letting him be happy at home? On his own schedule? At his safe place?

We go thru this every year with his birthday. Do we have a party to celebrate him? Even if he is miserable? Or do we simply buy him his chocolate doughnut and let him be happy?

And this all just sucks. 

Dilemmas and heart ache seem to go hand in hand when it comes to our son.

But my husband messaged me early today. He said the monkey was happy as can be swinging in our backyard. He was being silly and loved hanging out with his dad. And this simple message comforts me. Maybe we aren’t such bad parents.

Here’s hoping that the decisions we make as parents, are the right ones. ♥️