My monkey had more than a few trips to the ICU.  His lungs weren’t strong.  Every time he’d get something as simple as a cold, we’d end up hospitalized.

One of the times we were there, I remember it being late.  2 or 3 in the morning…  In the ICU, 3 am or 3 pm, it’s all the same.  I remember seeing his little body on the hospital bed.  He looked so lifeless.  We had a few doctors and respiratory therapists in the room.  His oxygen levels kept dropping.  Intubate him?  Not to intubate him?  Increase his oxygen intake?  More breathing treatments?  More steroids?  The hospital staff were all discussing the next treatments.  But his numbers kept decreasing more and more.

I had a lot of breakdowns during our ICU trips.  I’d cry and cry, and my husband would hug me.  Reassuring me we’d be okay.  My monkey, he’d make it out okay.

However this time, this breakdown was bad.  I leaned against the wall for support, and started crying uncontrollably.  I fell to the floor, sitting down and sobbing.  I remember expecting a hand on my shoulder.  Waiting for my husband to show his support, his “The Monkey will be okay” speech.  But it didn’t come.

That’s when I looked up, where is he?  My husband was in the exact same position as I was but across the room.  Sitting down in the corner, crying.  Then it hit me, this time is bad.  Really bad.

I remember the medical staff discussing the next treatment.  More steroids?  More albuterol?  But his heartrate is already too fast.  Is that too dangerous?

Eventually he was fine.  A few days later we were discharged.  Once again, we were out of the woods.  A follow up appointment with the pediatric pulmonologist was made.  The main concern was – can we prevent another ICU visit?

The amount of medicine pumped into him to strengthen his lungs was a lot.  During one of the critical moments in ICU, I remember asking the doctor, what are the long term effects of all of these medicines? His response was so matter of factly, “Right now, our concern is for him to live.  The effects, we can deal with those once he’s out of this crisis.”

When I think about my son, how he went from having a social personality, to a more withdrawn little boy, I question the cause.  Was it the vaccinations like so many believe, or was it all these treatments?

I don’t know.

What I do know is this:

He’s beautiful.

He’s so smart.

He’s so loving.

He’s funny.

He’s alive.

He’s safe.

He’s perfect.