The monkey has started to try to sing when he hears YouTube songs. Right now he’s trying to sing the B.I.N.GO. song.

And the humming that he does, renews this hope inside of me. And I try to push it away or to ignore it because hope can be so dangerous. We’ve had it before. When he was 3, 4 years old, my daughter would say, “This is the year that he will talk. This is the year that he will say mama.” And the year came and went. And it did not happen. And it still hasn’t happened.

He still doesn’t talk.

So when I hear him try to sing the songs by humming them, my heart just aches.

My inner battle starts, should we be courageous and hope that maybe this will be the year that he talks? Or should we just accept the fact that it will never happen?

But one cannot run away from these things. At night these are the fears that keep me up at night. So when I go to work sleep deprived trying to use coffee to give me energy, I remind myself that I just cannot worry about the future. I remind myself to enjoy right now. And I’ve always talked about this battle that I have. All these times and yet I just can’t seem to win.

But I think today I will just push the battle inside me. I think right now, I will just ignore it, and try to enjoy my son’s attempt at singing.

Right now is our moment.

(Photo credit: Whole Hearted Woman)