I decided to go see a doctor on Monday. I don’t have a primary doctor. When I get sick, very sick, I go to the Urgent Care clinics. I realized that I need to take care of myself in order to be healthy for my family. But I didn’t want to take time off from work to see a doctor when it’s just for me. I don’t care if I use my time off from work for my kids, but for me, I feel I’m wasting my days off.
But I realized that taking care of me is for them. So I forced myself to see the doctor.
She asked me if I was taking any medicine and I told her I take sleeping pills, I struggle to sleep. She asked me if I snore and I told her I didn’t. She then asked me if I was stressed.
And I hesitated.
Do I talk about my son? Do I tell her that we have rough days, and some days are worse than others? Do I tell her that there are nights that worry me so much I only sleep a few hours?
But then I should also tell her how some days are amazing. And how the monkey has the power to brighten my day with his hugs and kisses.
I don’t want it to seem as if my son is the reason why I can’t sleep. But if I’m being realistic, he is a big part.
So I told her. I said I have a seven year old little boy, who has severe autism. 💔
Yeah, that’s rough to say. To say it out loud.
She looked at me and said many people take sleeping pills not knowing that they are treating the symptom, and not seeing the cause of the problem. So she prescribed me anti-anxiety pills.
I felt guilty after I left her office. I felt as if I was blaming my son. And I wanted to tell her how awesome my kid is. How loving and caring he is. How he’s so much more than the outbursts or meltdowns that he has. He has rough struggles compared to the rest of us and yet he still manages to face each day.
And that makes him one of the bravest people I know.
And In the end of all of this, my kids are my universe. Of course they both stress me out. Of course I worry about them. And I wouldn’t change any of it. And if the biggest thing is that I have high anxiety, that’s ok. My job as a mom is to be there for my kids.
Maybe I do need a little bit of help. After a lot of thinking, of going back and forth, I’ve decided I’m going to try these pills. They are low dosage and we will see if they work. If they make me a better mom, then maybe it will be worth it.
I do need a little bit of help in the sleeping department.
And that’s ok.