The monkey has been out of school for the past two weeks, called fall break. These changes have very huge impacts on him. Like most kids on the spectrum, schedules are very important. Following routines are difficult to establish. But once they are set, once he gets the hang of it, he understans whats expected of him and he thrives.

This is why these break sessions, where most kiddos love the break from school, are the opposite for my son. They hurt him.

Last week I was driving him around. He had been struggling. We had been showing him the calendar and explaining that there won’t be school for two weeks. He appeared to be doing ok. But then during the drive he lost it. He lunged at me while I was driving on the freeway going over 60 miles per hour.

I can’t explain how bad this was. If you see my arm now, more than a week since the incident, you’d be very concerned.

I have tried to hide my arm. But last week I ran inside a store, last minute, and completely forgot to wear a sweater. And looking at the cashier’s face of concern, I immediately wanted to hide.

The monkey looks at my bruises, cuts, and scratches and will kiss them. He tells me he is sorry thru sign language and using his communication device.

He is sorry. He is genuinely remorseful. 

But the fear is there. He is getting older. Stronger. And these situations are difficult to handle. What if I had crashed? Hurt someone else? Or if someone else had reported me to the police while I was trying to get him off me?  How does one explain this? Many things could have happened. One of them would be that they take him away.

And these situations worry me. They keep me up at night. And I fall into this never ending hole of fear.

And all of this because we have two weeks off from school.