Yesterday, the monkey woke up with his eyes swollen. I wanted to take him to the 24-hour clinic but my husband had left to fix my car. I decided to wait until he got back, I’m not brave enough to go on my own. But his eyes were getting worse and my daughter told me, “We can do it mom. We can take him to the doctor without dad.” So, we ventured out.
The normal urgent care that we love to go to because they understand my son closed down. So, we went to another one. Adding a new, unknown place added to my son’s anxiety. As soon as we went inside, the monkey became extremely anxious. He wouldn’t stop stimming and humming and walking in circles. The staff was very kind and understanding. The doctor checked him out and told us he had pink eye. He would need a few drops every few hours and he would be fine.

Overall, he did okay, my daughter and I were able to hold him down during his checkup. He did fight us but we were able to hold him and not let him hurt himself nor anyone else. I take that as a win.

But when an autism parent hears a few eye drops, all we hear is bombs exploding.

We gave him drops at home. To do this, my daughter and I needed to wrap him in a blanket while he screamed his eyes out. Then we lay him on the floor while I get on top of him to try to avoid the hard kicks. And then my daughter tries to open his eyes to put the drops.

It’s heartbreaking.

I always think if someone would walk in at that moment, they would probably assume we were hurting him.

Today, I had to stay home and work from home since he is contagious and can’t go to school nor therapy. So now I must put in the drops by myself. I wrapped him up in a blanket, but he is so strong that he kept getting out. He kept kicking me and trying to bite me. I tried talking to him, showing him the drops. I even got regular eye drops and did it on myself to show him. He didn’t want to listen. He kept stimming and crying of fear. I can feel his heart beating a thousand miles a minute when I try to hold him.

I can feel his fear.

I wasn’t successful. As I was about to put the drops on his eyes, he managed to free on of his hands and then he pinched me. It was a pretty rough pinch that made me flinch. Then he got close to my chest and bit me.

So now I am on my bed, bleeding from my chest. It’s not a lot of blood, but oh my, does it hurt.

And my son is crying in the corner, terrified of getting close to me.

And this is autism.