Will we be able to heal?

I haven’t written here in a while.  Lately I just write small stories in Facebook.  But to catch some of you up to speed, my son came home last week full of bruises.  The next morning we met with the principal.  A few hours later we found out the teacher had physically grabbed my son.  He was placed on leave, CPS was called, we filed a report with the police, and we are waiting for the investigation.  We were told most likely he will be placed under arrest – Injury to a Child is a felony.

He had missed school Friday, Monday (holiday), Tuesday, and Wednesday.  We took him to his pediatrician and psychiatrist since he has been exhibiting strange behaviors.  Both of them told us it is better for him to return to class.  Consistency is crucial with kids with autism.

I received a call from the Associate Superintendent.  She was letting me know that the law states he is not allowed to have excess absences.  Their policy is to take parents to court for excess absences.  I was enraged.  I told her that my main concern was my son’s safety, not some stupid attendance policy.  She said she guaranteed he is safe now that the teacher has been placed on leave.  But, since this teacher has had previous accusations, and the fact that there was a witness that notified the office and we were never told of this, I am unsure if going to school is good idea.

But, we did send him to class this morning.  After debating this all night, we went with the doctors’ recommendations and off he went to school.  He screamed and cried.  He wanted to leave.  And this just breaks my heart.  The teachers took away the I-pads, which I think is a great idea.  The I-pads were a distraction.  But without his I-pad, he doesn’t have a distraction.  And thus, meltdown occurred.

My husband and I were about to take him home.  We thought it was too much.  But, eventually we convinced ourselves he needed to stay.  So we left.  The monkey stayed, screaming and crying.  We realized he needed to get back to his routine.

So now here we are, questioning our parenting abilities.  Questioning everything.  Did we make the right decision?  Are we sending him back to the lion’s den?  Are we risking his safety?  This man has had allegations before.  So why was he placed in a special needs class with nonverbal kids again?  If someone saw this and reported it to the office, why were we not notified?  Why did we call the police when policy is for the school to call the policy as soon as any allegations of abuse arise?

So we left my son, crying, trying to leave the classroom.  And my heart just broke.

As my husband is driving to work, he tells me what I have been feeling all along – AUTISM SUCKS.

The change in consistency by taking his I-pad away is creating a breakdown for my son, changes in routine suck for kids with autism.

My son can’t tell me what this man did to him, this past week or since school started.  Nonverbal is common with kids with autism.

If I was a paranoid mom before, now I’m terrified.  Terrified of everything that is out there for my son.  If he is six now, what will happen when he is 10?  20?  30?

I know that there is a healing process.  I have gone from sobbing uncontrollably to enraged.  And now I’m just tired.  Tired of all of this.  This man violated my son’s trust, and our trust.  It is because of him that we are talking to attorneys, having conversations with Asst Superintendents, calling the school every hour to make sure he is okay, trying to find some sense of it all.

And right now, thru the middle of it all, I wonder, Will we be able to heal?

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