This morning my husband came downstairs and saw me crying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was writing. He understood and asked if I could share when I was done. He knows this is how I am able to let it go. And usually after I write, I do feel better. I am able to get back up, and face the world again. Writing helps me feel better. I wasn’t going to share this story. I guess I was embarrassed. Here I go again, feeling sorry for myself, again. But then I realized that this is my reality. This is my truth. This is my autism life. And I felt that if I share, maybe, hopefully, someone else will know that it is okay, to not be okay. And then hopefully, they too can find their own way to cope, to let it go, to vent, to unburden themselves. And then, I hope, they can get back up, and face the world again. And I hope they know, that we are in this together. You are not alone.
From this morning:
My mind and my emotions are in constant fights when it comes to my son. I could be in a state of complete happiness, loving how my son’s having a great day today. And in an instant, I’m in turmoil. If I see a commercial about kids going to the circus, or about a ten-year-old party at an arcade place, or if I see a video online of a three-year-old having a conversation with their mom, my heart in turns into shambles. I’m constantly fighting my inner demons.
And my fight is about remembering, counting my blessings, think about the good you have. Remember he slept most of the night last night. Remember he didn’t fight that much when cutting his hair. Remember he is letting you brush his teeth. Remember he is using his communication device much more. Remember his teacher sends amazing updates on the monkey’s progress.
Remember. Remember. Remember.
I need to focus on the good, on his progress. Because if I don’t, I will fall into this hole. And when I’m in this deep hole of despair, I struggle to get out of it. My mind blinds me of the blessings that I have.
And of course, the guilt is always there. The inner voice is telling me that others have it worse. At least your son is alive. There are countless of moms that would wish to have their son with them. And you do. So be grateful.
At least you have support. Many special needs parents do not have a partner that helps, a daughter that loves her brother like yours does, grandparents that will jump at the chance to help, etc. At least you are not alone in this. Be grateful.
But I do have my moments where my heart is breaking. And I do feel it is not fair. And I do wish I had more. And I do feel guilty. For not seeing the beauty.
I have been going thru this acceptance process for many years now. You’d think I would be over this and just accept. And just be happy for what we have. And learn to be grateful. But it’s a constant struggle.
Our lives have changed drastically. For my parent’s 50th anniversary party it was just the three of us, my husband, myself, and my daughter. We had to get a sitter for my son. We will be going to the cabin in a few weeks for my husband’s birthday. And I am getting ready for the fight my son will have in driving there. We do not go to stores, we do not go to the park, we do not deviate from our driving routines, because my son can’t handle change.
I am so worried about sixth grade. In less than two years he will be going to middle school. Where most kids struggle as it is. And my son will have to adapt to a new school, new teachers, new environment. Will he be safe? Will he be cared for? And my heart again turns into shambles.
And I just need to remind myself that we will get thru this. I just need to tell myself that we will figure it out. And I just need to know that the grass isn’t always greener. And that it is okay to want. Just as long as I don’t stay in this phase. Just as long as I get back and be the mom he needs me to be.
But for now, I will take a bit more time to cry it out, and to try to let it go.
Photo Source: Unknown.