I cannot die. Ever.

It’s 4 a.m. and I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I haven’t gotten this anxious in a while. I purposely have fought from drowning in the thoughts of my son’s future. When I feel these fears come up, I’ve learned to push them to the back of my mind and forget them.

And then there are nights like right now. When the anxiety is so bad that I can’t breathe. My chest hurts so much and it feels as if I’m getting a heart attack.

I have questions constantly running through my head.

How will he cope without me? Who will understand his nonverbal ways of communicating?

This evening we were all watching a movie in our living room. The monkey was watching his own movie on my phone. He fell asleep on the rug. After a while he woke up, stood up, and went to snuggle in my arms while he drifted back to sleep.

Who will give him this comfort when he’s older and I’m gone? Who will love him unconditionally?

A few days ago I was telling the monkey that he needs to pick up after himself because his future girlfriend will not want to do it for him. He just stared at me and I smiled and winked at him. It was such a silly comment, and yet now it has been haunting me all night long.

Lately, he will go to the bathroom sink, get his hand wet, and then go over to our golden retriever and pet her. It’s as if he’s trying to wet her? Maybe he thinks she’s hot? I honestly don’t understand this.

Who will notice these little things he does? Who will try to understand them?

I know this is a worry that most special needs parents have. I cannot die. Ever. He needs me. And I need him.

And while I try to dig myself out of this mental hole, I have to remind myself to live at the now. Because these things are out of my control.

For tonight, I will just focus on my breathing. Focus on the now. Try to get some kind of calmness. And pray for a future where my son is happy, safe, and loved. πŸ™


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Jaya says:

    I feel for you. But you are right about some things being beyond our control. Try to believe that help will arrive when it is needed. It does, you know.
    Best wishes.


  2. I know the feeling


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